I wish I was Worzel Gummidge.

Why Worzel Gummidge?????

Well, It’s quite simple really, I’m envious of him!!! “What because you fancy Aunt Sally?” No, no, no!! That was just a childhood fantasy!!! I’m envious, because I wish I could have a few heads to put on and off when the time suits me, just like Worzel used to do. It must be great, so, one day your having  a really bad day, you feel low and confused and embarrassed about the current situation that your brain is putting you in, you want to scream, cry and lash out, and unfortunately us humans have to put up with our brains, but whereas Worzel could whip off his head and put a new one on his shoulders, and bang, he’s a new Scarecrow! So that is why I’m jealous and sometimes I really wish I was him!

Ah, the stigma of mental health eh? To be embarrassed  and ashamed of my illness just makes it worse. I’m a man, this doesn’t happen to people like me, I’m fit and healthy, have no money worries, I have a good job and happy home life. Well hear this big boy, you are ill, the quicker you recognise the fact the better it will be….or will it???

People say to me, “when did it all start? what triggers it off?” Great questions, but looking for answers is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

It probably started years ago, doing shift work most of my working life, getting older, social media (thankfully Facebook is not part of my life anymore, cleared some head space when I stopped using that), having a family later on in my life and all the worries that go with all those things has led me to where I am now.

I can only describe it as an empty bucket filling up with water over the years and now it’s over flowing. I’m now looking at putting some holes in that bucket to release the water.

My mind can be an evil thing sometimes, telling me I’m going to make mistakes at work, sending me in to a downward spiral of worry and anxiety, in fact right now I hate my mind. It’s even made me have harmful thoughts, just so I can sleep and rest! What a ridiculous thought. Or is it? Mental Health doesn’t care about colour, race, religion or sexual preference!

Well let me tell you brain, I’m not a quitter, I will fight you every step of the way! But how I cry out? There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Being on anti depressants and sleeping tablets is something that I knew wouldn’t happen to me, it only happens to the weak minded and for men that can’t man up and get on with it, surely??

Ok, so now after a good few months of having stress and anxiety, I have accepted I’m in this for the long haul. Granted I haven’t help myself, as I didn’t listen to my GP or loved ones, who were trying to help.

Not taking the tablets to start of with and not opening up to friends and family about how I was feeling, was a mistake.

Driving trains, completely unfit and worn out was probably the biggest mistake, I dare say I have put myself back by a good few months. So like most human beings I have made mistakes on this awful journey, but hey ho I’m not perfect.

Now as someone who doesn’t give up, I am now trying to do things to help myself, and working alongside Steps2Change, an employment advisor and my GP, I feel that I am building up a great support network.

I have been to group CBT (cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which was a great service by the local NHS. But trying to retrain the brain is easier said than done, unfortunately! The people that ran the course were fantastic and were always there to help at the end of the session. And indeed they did help me, as they put me on to an employment advisor who has been very supportive.

The only thing I found with group CBT is that it was very generic and based around a Monday to Friday, 9-5 lifestyle, eat 3 meals a day, get up and go to bed at the same time each day. Blah blah blah!! I just couldn’t relate to that. trying to do this is pretty much impossible in my lifestyle.

Writing this blog and doing a worry diary are helpful as its great to write a load of waffle and clear the mind of it’s junk.

Having close friends to talk to and off load on them has been great, having a natter to them over a pint has been great therapy, especially as most of them at some point have been where I am and understand, they just listen, and don’t judge.

So without that support network I’m not sure what state I would be in. I dread to think really.

So, thats where I am at the moment, each night I dread and can’t wait for the morning, just to see how I am, have you slept???

Thats it for now, will update as and when my brain/mind will allow me!